Con used to drive his cars so fast and I'd scream in the passenger seat with a smile on my face and he'd grin. I used to hold my arms up in the air as the wind rushed over us. It messed up my hair and blinded me. We were reckless and happy and everything was wonderful. I loved any excuse to get into a car with Con. I can remember late nights curling against him in the car, his arm wrapped around my shoulder.

He doesn't drive any more, and all I've wanted to do for years was get behind the wheel and drive forever. I could now, you know. I've got my license and there's nothing stopping me from getting in the car and putting my foot down and never slowing down. I used to want to do that so much. I wanted to drive away from my whole life. I thought if I drove fast enough then I could escape my whole life and myself. But nothing ever would have been fast enough.

I've seen the blood of everyone I loved. I can't go fast enough to get away from that.

Now that I could go I finally know that I won't. I know where I am now and I'm not going anywhere. No car fast enough and I don't feel like driving.

This is my house. It's been my house since I was born and I'm not letting anything take me away. It's mine and even though it comes with baggage so does everything else. The world is bloody and horrible and there's nowhere I could go that would change that. I won't leave and be weak. I'm stronger now than I was before. In some ways, Pat did that. I don't know if that means I wouldn't change anything. Maybe there had to be nothing left so I could build something up.

This is me then. The only one left who's alive and sane, because Con's not that. If he never gets better then I'll look after him forever, and if I have to do it all alone then I will, becuase I know I can. Because he's my brother and he's always taken care of me. I'll never abandon him, because he never abandoned me. We'll stay together and maybe one day he'll get in the car again and we'll just drive.

In case you ever forget - that's one of the reasons you had to do it. One in the million reasons. It wasn't just for you but for everyone else as well.

The funeral will be held tomorrow at 1pm at St Michael's church.

On Sunday there is going to be a baby shower here for my little nephew. It's probably the happiest event that St John's Lodge has seen in a decade and I'm really glad. We're bringing life here. It's so much better than how it used to be.

Things are really going to be okay. I know it. I love all of my family so much.

Merry, Ellie and Geordie: would you like to come to the baby shower?

We've been living in this hotel for so long now that it's almost become like a home, but it's not really.

We're going back to St John's Lodge, the whole family. I've never lived with my cousins before but I think it will be good to fill that house with people. It's not an evil place, it's just had a lot of evil inside it. But it's all over now and I'm ready to go home.

We're home.

Hawaii is gold and pink at sunset.

I learned to surf a bit. The boy who was teaching me drowned though.

I'm at St John's Lodge.

I'm ready.

So true, Mona.

There's more.

It's not the end.

You'll always be mine, Mona.


I AM NOT SCARED OF YOU!!

To prove I'm here
To prove I'm real
To prove I'm not afraid
To prove I live
To prove I breathe
To prove

To show I'm safe
To show I'm alone
To show I'm okay
To show there's more
To show it's not the end
To show

i hate you

i hate you

i hate you

i hate you

stop it

stop it

STOP IT!

It's my birthday on Thursday. Tiana keeps asking what I want to do for it. I don't think I really want to do anything.

Jason Graham came to find me at lunch and asked if I would go out on a date with him. I don't want to go out on any dates and I don't want to go anywhere with Jason Graham. He plays football and big and he teases people who are smaller than him. I don't know why he wants to go on a date with me. He took a photo of me as well. I don't like photos of me being taken.

He told me I was pretty. I don't like him.

I have a new piano and I've been playing Tchaikovsky on it. It fills up the room and makes the air tingle.

Tiana spilled wine all over my piano and now the keys stick. Con is going to by me a new one tomorrow but I wish I had it to play tonight.

I like your scars because they are on the outside.

Spain is better.

Still I hear him there.

I won't apologise to Rhys.

I hope I broke his nose.

Bern Williams - "Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit."

I think that's bullshit.


Con, I'm staying at Klara's again.

Merry is right. Everything in the world, it's all horrible, everyone is suffering, it all hurts, it's not just me. Why do people keep going? Why does it all keep moving? What's the point?

I feel guilty for missing them less than I did.